In honor of Taylor Swift’s secret album release here is 1 of the 44 entries from the Gal’s Guide Anthology: Nourish for you to enjoy.
“No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.”
― Taylor Swift
By Leah Leach
It was a typical Tuesday. I had a Verified Fan Passcode for Ticketmaster Taylor Swift Eras Tour. It was a pipe dream to get tickets. I could not dare to dream about the idea of seeing a show that was five years in the making. I was afraid my daughter was already creating an ultimate set list in her mind. Somehow, an impossible dream became a slimmer of hope when the universe lined up for the opportunity. You see, my only credit card had a partnership with Taylor Swift that allowed us the opportunity to get into a special lottery for a pre-sale fan passcode. I asked for the code, thinking they might even run out of those. We got the code. All that was left was to chance the Ticketmaster fates.
I had the day off from work, which meant I could sit by a computer and watch the tickets sell out.
I log in at the assigned time. I struggled with Ticketmaster like normal. I got the message: You are now in the queue. 2000+ people ahead of you. I did not think I would get that far. Honestly, I thought I would struggle to log in only to see it sold out in seconds. I texted my daughter, “It might sell out before I get in.”
Then the queue dropped to 777 people ahead of me.
Then 350.
Then 22.
Next thing I knew, I was looking for seats where we could see the stage and that I could afford. I didn’t take too much time before clicking ‘Buy Tickets.’
I got tickets for Taylor Swift just before Ticketmaster crashed. I was one of the lucky ones. All I had to do now was wait eight months for the show.
The pre-pre-show waiting for the concert consisted of my daughter and I putting Taylor’s songs on heavy rotation. I sang aloud (and cried louder) when I was alone. Kami would sing beautifully and unapologetically in the car with me on the way from college.
Kami was the first Swifty in the house. She was in elementary school when she sang along to Fearless & Speak Now. I didn’t mind the music, but it wasn’t pulling me in like it was for Kami. I was perfectly content to encourage Kami’s personal music taste as an independent expression of herself. I remember my connection to Madonna at her age, and I wanted her to have that space to have something that was hers. But then middle school happened. Middle school changed Kami. She lost her connection to Taylor’s music. Middle school was rough.
Fast forward to a Tuesday in February 2020. I was alone and lonely in front of the TV while scrolling through Netflix. My go-to viewing choice is documentaries about women of history (there is a reason I founded a women’s history library). I passed over Taylor Swift: Miss Americana as an option a few times. I worried about my husband’s judgment or snarky comments, so I passed on watching it. But I was the only one in the room that night, and I wanted to learn about Taylor with an open heart, free of clickbait, haters, and gossip. I wanted to learn her story in her words.
I clicked play. It was not long before I saw a woman who was incredibly gifted, willing to be vulnerable with her story, and who fought to control her life’s work.
At some point, Kami entered the room and sat with me on the couch. She had been at her desk across the house, listening to headphones. When she took a break, she heard Taylor’s songs coming from the TV room.
We sat in awe as Taylor wrote a song in real-time. Let me put it in context: in the time I have put into writing this piece, Taylor could have written and perfected an entire album. In the time you read this piece, she could write a hit song that will either get you singing along every damn time you hear it or a song that grabs your heart and squeezes it until you cry the most healing tears you ever felt in your life.
There is a reason for this, she has been writing songs since she was 12. Her first record contract was at 14. Her parents moved to Tennessee so she would have a chance to be a country music singer/songwriter, and Taylor’s mom, Andrea, sent copies of her songs to radio stations. Taylor was 17 when she was opening for Rascal Flatts and Brad Pasley. When most of us struggled to get on the school bus on time, she was already in a career and working for a living—with her parent’s full support.
What impressed me most was seeing her natural gift for songwriting construction. On a guitar, on a piano, laying on a rug on the floor, she was at home putting melodies together with a story arc, a bridge you do not want to end, and phrasing so effortless you are almost jealous. She did not just slap catchy tunes together; each song contains a level of vulnerability. I do not know how she keeps it together to sing her vulnerable songs once let alone over and over again in front of thousands of people. Hell, explaining a Taylor Swift song sometimes makes me cry!
So maybe vulnerability is not even the right word because it is not just about being raw. It is also about being authentic. You feel what Taylor feels because you have been there. She taps into universal moments that we have either experienced or dreamed of. In Taylor’s authenticity, you feel seen, valued, held, and powerful.
What caused me to feel an invisible string that tied me to her was seeing how when she wrote and recorded songs, she thought about the experience of the person singing it. That included herself singing it on tour, but also you and me having a personal car concert and hitting those beats, nailing that aside comment, and rocking that intended side-eye. This was evident in the documentary when she was about to play new songs while on her Reputation tour. Her joy was not simply writing or recording; the joy was also sharing them with people. Talent and intention—this is what I get behind!
Seeing Taylor use her voice to connect with people and give them a new soundtrack to their lives was so deep for me. I bought my first ever Taylor CD, Lover. It was on hard-core repeat in my car and in my headphones. I felt I would have to defend this love to those who would make fun of my admiration.
Lover was the first album after Taylor’s split from an abusive record company owner. Taylor said the album was intended to be a “love letter to love.” She sang about hard things, feminism things, LGBTQ love things, movie things—all the things I needed and felt in my life. I too was coming out of an abusive relationship. Songs like “I Forgot That You Existed,” “You Need to Calm Down,” and “The Man” helped on those days when I needed to dust off my crown and remember just who I am. I could write a book-length essay on the depths of feeling I have for “The Archer,” its heartbeat rhythm and multi-dimensional lyrics.
Needing ever more, I went to the library to borrow all of Taylor’s past albums (that few I couldn’t borrow from Kami). I went to borrow the albums and not pay for them because I did not want to give her old record label any money. I would wait for Taylor’s Version, a re-recording of her songs that she could profit from.
If you are not familiar with (Taylor’s Version) of albums and want to go down the rabbit hole of ownership and bullying, please do. Here is my short version: Her first six albums were released on Big Machine Records. Taylor signed a contract with them at age 15. Those six albums were her songs; she birthed them, she wrote them, she performed them, and she promoted them. Over and over, she was told she could not buy the masters. She was told she would have to ‘earn’ her own songs back. Then her record label was sold to someone else. Taylor said, “Essentially, my musical legacy is about to lie in the hands of someone who tried to dismantle it.”
Now, with the sale of the record label with her music, she lost the idea that she could one day own her music, and she was told not to perform any of the songs from her first 6 albums. This was more of a bullying thing than a legal one. Money wasn’t even the issue. Taylor was not allowed to buy her own art back at any cost.
But Taylor and her team knew that they still had songwriting and performing rights, which meant they could re-record the songs. So she did. Taylor posted on her Tumblr about the whole thing, “Thankfully, I am now signed to a label that believes I should own anything I create. Thankfully, I left my past in Scott’s hands and not my future. And hopefully, young artists or kids with musical dreams will read this and learn about how to better protect themselves in a negotiation. You deserve to own the art you make.”
I’ve been around women’s history long enough to worry about how people will tell Taylor’s story in the decades to come. I have seen how the media follows and reports on her every move, trying to find drama where there isn’t to get the “Taylor bump.” I’ve seen strong women who shake up an industry and not get credit in their lifetime. I have seen women take ownership of their sexuality only to have it used against them when they get older and don’t look the same as they did at 19. I have seen good people cast as the anti-hero only because the media loves to see faults in humanity. Controlling your own narrative is terrifying to those who believe they are in power.
It was the week before the concert, and it was a cruel summer for me. For years now, I have struggled with fibroid flare-ups. They cause me to have a heavy period that lasts for over 40 days. It is a condition that makes me anemic, woozy, short of breath, and makes my heart race. Doctors have refused to take it seriously, telling me to take vitamins, iron pills, “eat a hamburger,” or “just have another kid.” I have summed up the courage to simply exist and fight for breath in these moments of flair-ups. I also know that in the months that it happens, life becomes too much about me. I feel I take away the joy from my family with what I can and cannot do, so I secluded myself until I’m better. Well, I was not getting better the week before the concert. I had to make a hard decision.
I bought 3 tickets. The idea was I would go with my two kids. My husband, who became pretty accepting of the Switfy love, was willing to drive and explore around Cinncinati during the show. Pretty cool guy, huh?!
We had a family meeting to talk about the reality of what could happen if I pushed myself too hard in the condition I was in. My biggest worry was that we would all miss the show because I’d be in a hospital due to passing out. I also worried about having enough mental and physical energy to keep my kids safe in a stadium of 65,000 people. We talked back and forth and took a hard look at the situation from all angles.
What it came down to for me was that I wanted Kami to have this experience, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I wanted her to always have her thing. I didn’t want to take away a voice that could help her for the rest of her life. I felt so much support and wisdom just contemplating and meditating on Taylor’s albums, I knew I would be okay. Kami, I felt, needed to feel that karmic connection. I also wanted her to be able to tell me about it. I wanted it to be hers.
I told her none of this. I said it was safer for everyone if I stayed home.
My glorious husband drove our kids to Paycore stadium so they could see their first-ever stadium concert. I asked him for one thing—to record “Archer” for me. That night, they kept me updated with texts, pictures, and videos, including my favorite song, “Archer.” They were having the best time. The show was everything.
When they came home, I soaked in all the details, the laughs, the awe, and the splendor. I must have had the stupidest grin on my face because I got to feel the show through their experience, and that brought me so much joy. I felt that because I’m learning about myself through Taylor’s music, what better way to learn about the experience of a Taylor show than through my kids?
If I had gone with them, I am not sure they would have recalled the full feeling of being at the show. They told me how it felt to be in a fishbowl of a stadium and hear the crowd sing every word right with you. To feel the magnetism of not only the person on stage but how each member of the audience is in tune with the same vibration.
When I used to go to live concerts the beat of the music reverberating over the speakers made my chest heavy. I would physically feel the wave of sound pushing on my chest, but I’d also feel a mystical connection. That steady beat makes your heart attune to it. I always felt concerts are the places you can go when you want your heart to be in the same rhythm as a group of people.
At a Taylor Swift show, the beat sets the rhythm for the collective heartbeat, the crowd sings every word louder than the goddess on stage, and you know what? No one is mad about it. For three-and-a-half hours, concert goers are connected to an artist who is unapologetically herself. She is willing to be wrong, she is willing to help, she will fight for what is fair, she will claim her own space, and she wrote some songs for you. She is giving you everything she has. She designed an experience with you as the endgame. A mastermind to entertain you and bring you closer to your own center starlight. Closer to the authentic and helpful life we should all strive for. You know, (Taylor’s Version).
When the numbers come in for the Eras Tour, Taylor Swift will have sold concert tickets to over a billion people—and those are just the lucky ones who have been able to go to one of her shows. So many have tried for tickets and not got them, or been priced out of them, or were not able to go at the last minute. Maybe that is why, with opening night of the concert being broadcast to movie theaters, I was buying tickets again. This time it was just Kami and I…and a theater full of people. We got the Swifty Package of the popcorn bucket, cup, and poster. We would have got the friendship bracelets too, but they were out. In a darkened movie theater, which has always been my happy place, Kami and I sang, cried, and shared a moment. I know I had the best day because of her (Kami’s Version).
Dr. Leah “Riwo” Leach is the Executive Director of Gal’s Guide. Leah is married with two wonderful children. She loves Star Wars, women’s history, and laughter.
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