by Riwo
At the Women of Wisdom Summit, Jan Willis gave an insightful talk entitled: Feminine Wisdom: How to Cultivate Deep Insight. There were many aspects that moved wisdom in me. However, this week I am on vacation from Gal’s Guide. I’m rotating my free time between writing, meditating, and listening to a new album by a tortured poet. One aspect that growled at me like a tiger is how Jan talked about how women are bound. Even on vacation, I am bound to people, responsibilities, and front doors. So I’m gonna write about it to share it with you. Maybe one of us will find wisdom in it.
Jan talked about how in the 6th Century, the two oldest civilizations rationalized that women had three obedience:
Women were bound to their parents when young
Women were bound to their husbands when mature
Women were bound to their sons in old age
The historian side of my brain thought about the many civilizations that didn’t write things down (oral traditions) and also whose past was erased, destroyed, misunderstood, or ignored. Perhaps it was my optimism that hoped for a time and place when women weren’t bound. Certainly, there have been moments and exceptional women who broke free of the chains of bondage. However, I kept coming back to – I don’t think the undercurrent of women’s bondage ever really went away.
Women are still
Bound to the home
Bound to beauty
Bound to smiling
Bound to niceness
Bound to not saying no
Bound to picking up the pieces
Bound to cleaning up the messes
Bound to remembering schedules
Bound to be the emotional support animal
Bound to waiting for a time that may never come
Bound to laughing at jokes that aren’t funny
Bound to small spaces that make others comfortable
Maybe the poet is right, “These people only raise you to cage you.” After all, women still lack ownership of their own bodies. Doctors don’t believe a woman when she’s in pain. It doesn’t matter how much experience and knowledge a woman has – she can still be silenced by any man with an opinion. He doesn’t have to be right – he only has to have a voice.
Maybe that’s why images of Wonder Woman breaking free from her chains and ropes is such a powerful symbol? Comic book scholars have described early Wonder Woman editions showing her tied up so that there would be an inspiring visual of a woman breaking out of the ties that bind her. The creator of Wonder Woman, William “Charles” Marston, was convinced that women were more honest than men and that women should rule the world. Unfortunately, other men had opinions about Wonder Woman – so the intention was reframed.
Men have a handful of opportunities to run off, explore, and detach. These opportunities are met with encouragement and a spirit of adventure. It’s as if there is freedom in being unbound to something or someone. Men can sow their wild oats before deciding to commit to a partner. When women do that we’re called a slut. Men can lose themselves in work until long hours into the night and be called a genius. Women spend long hours at work – we’re avoiding our responsibilities.
Buddhism aspect
Jan’s talk focused on how this rationale tried to keep women from being Buddhist leaders. Men were Buddhist leaders – they gave teachings, talks, and empowerments after spending years in caves and public wandering. Women were followers and practitioners, but they were seen as a distraction in monasteries. If a woman wanted to learn the dharma she needed permission from her parents, husband, or sons. A woman leaving her family and responsibilities was rare.
In my own Buddhist practice over the last 30 years, I’ve had to turn down opportunities because it would take me away from my husband and kids – even if only for a few days. Yet my husband went away for months multiple times for work. I took care of the house and the kids. I was the double parent who did my best to fill the emotional gap left when a loved one was away. It goes without saying that going away for work with a paycheck is different from going away for spiritual enlightenment with no pay.
2024 Bondage
I haven’t had a vacation from the library I founded in nearly two years. I’m exhausted. I’ve voluntarily bound myself to the library I created. It is impossible to take a real break without people to help, questions that need to be answered in real-time, and pieces to pick up. I voiced my stress for months. I was reminded that I first need to be nice in times when I struggle to breathe. I’m shown that the second I stop holding something it falls apart. The few days off I get, on a semi-regular basis, are met with tasks and communications that seemingly cannot wait. My trauma response to people needing me is triggered – days off turn into working days and longer nights. I see myself getting worse. I fear I’m making more work for myself because I’m tired. I feel an overwhelming worthlessness. So I put up a boundary, carve out 6 days, and call it a vacation.
But I’m bound.
I’m bound to be available to my family. I’m bound to sleep in my bed. I’m still bound to emails, texts, Facebook and Discord. I set a firm and public boundary. They are sorry, but they “can’t” without me. The right thing is to be grateful I’m needed.
The first two days of my much-needed rest are making sure everyone has what they need before I can heal. I’m terrible at putting on my own oxygen mask first before helping others. Or is that what I taught people – I’ll help save them before I save myself?
Am I bound to them, or are they bound to me?
My Buddhist studies show me it’s an embodiment of interconnectedness. It’s wonderful how interconnected we all are. There are many positives to our interconnection with our fellow humanity, animals, and nature…but I struggle. I want to escape. I need a few moments to feel unbound, untethered. I picture Wonder Woman breaking free of her chains while her heart breaks open, letting go of all of it. I want to feel a moment of freedom.
I desire enough time to untangle this knotted yarn ball in my heart. Unwrap a tendril of social pressure, unwrap what is ancestral trauma, unwrap what is my neighbors’ problems and not mine, unwrap the businesses of life, unwrap and remove the To Do List, unwrap and put aside where I’ve failed people. All of this to get the core of hurt. What is the hurt bound to? How can I follow that invisible string and find wisdom in it? I want to look at this hurt for what it is and not the shit that is wrapped around it. I want to be aware of what is making me so tired. I want to see just what my binds look like…so I can break free of them.
The hope is that if I can identify them – and if I’m not strong enough or don’t have enough time to break free of them – that another woman can.
Sisters, we are bound by forces we can see and bound by forces we can’t. Some of the chains that hold us have been on us for centuries, some we put on ourselves.
Let’s find the keys and pass them around freely.
I have to believe that freedom is possible for women.
Books & Love,
Riwo
Riwo is the Executive Director of Gal’s Guide. She has been a Buddhist practitioner for over 30 years. Riwo is a student of the Magyu: The Mother Lineage led by Lama Tsultrim Allione. Riwo is married with two wonderful children. She loves Star Wars, women’s history, and laughter.
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Dedicated to the spirit of my friend Debra A. Kemp
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