By Barb Conlin
Happy November! I can not believe that Halloween is behind us and that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just in front of us. Well, it’s Christmas for me and my family, but there are at least 13 other different religious observations on the horizon. So, Happy Holidays!
I have always loved the holidays. I remember boisterous celebrations at Grandma’s house on Star Avenue in Hamilton, Ohio. I recall visits from the Florida cousins who never quite understood the cold weather but loved the snow. I can’t forget being stuffed with too much ham, chicken and dumplings, and homemade fudge, and I can always picture the perfect gifts under the tree. Barbie’s dream house with a “real working elevator” stands out in my mind. I reminisce about Mom and Dad rushing my brother and me to bed so that they could do the last-minute Christmas Eve preparation. Dad could never wait until Christmas morning. As soon as the presents were wrapped and under the tree, we would hear some noise on the roof and a loud, “Ho Ho Ho,” signaling Santa’s departure and the beginning of Presentmania – which was very similar to Wrestlemania, just with more wrapping paper and bows!!
For me, the holidays represent love, joy, peace, family, gratitude, and faith wrapped together as one big present for us all to share. Over the years, I realized that the magic of the holidays was more about presence than presents and attempted, especially once I became a parent, to focus less on things and more on experiences. You know, fun things like holiday pictures in matching pajamas and walking through light displays while drinking hot chocolate following that up with a s’more (or two) around the bonfire.
It is mostly a joyous time for me, but I know that is not the case for everyone. Even for me, things have changed over time. Many of us experience sadness during the holidays because we long for loved ones not with us. My mom passed away in 1984 on December 28th. My dad died in 2015 on December 4th. Sometimes, I wish I could skip December all together.
Not only do we miss family and friends no longer with us, there is also the stress of year-end and holiday to-dos. For many, December generates work responsibilities that have to be completed before the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve – or 5PM on our last day of work for the year! And there is the never-ending list of holiday obligations. Of course, gift-givers are in search of the perfect present to elicit just the right amount of oooohs and aaaahs from loved ones. Home chefs have to bake the perfect turkey with all the trimmings so the family can depart as stuffed as the main entree. The house, especially the tree, has to be decorated just so. Why in the world do we do this to ourselves?
For some, there is significant family trauma along with work and holiday strain. There are those not welcome at home because of who they love, who they are, or how they choose to live their lives. Maybe they no longer see a good friend because of a divide in politics or values. It is possible that a war which is half a world away has surfaced intense emotions and created a wedge with a close co-worker.
At this time of year, it is especially important to create space for ourselves – so that we can experience the best of times, not the worst of times. If not the best of times, let’s aim for tolerable. So how do we do that? It almost calls for a holiday survival primer of sorts. I wanted to share a few best practices that work for me in hopes that we can all enjoy the most of the holidays together.
First and foremost, we want to make sure to celebrate in environments that accept and embrace us. We can’t enjoy the chaos of November and December unless we feel safe and seen. We can all benefit from taking a step back from toxic environments in which we find ourselves; we can instead create an alternative space with a small circle of friends who respect us, who support us for who we are, and who allow us to be fully ourselves. Instead of spending energy dealing with judgemental friends and family or hiding our true colors, we can instead use that energy to create a space that resonates with who we are right now. Our lives should always be filled with those who make us happy, bring us joy, and allow us to change, grow, and evolve.
Once we establish our space and our tribe, we can then create a comfortable holiday by doing the things that bring us happiness and peace. This requires personal reflection – what brings you joy? Maybe it is getting caught up with a friend over coffee. Perhaps it is going to the library to develop the perfect “to be read” stack of books. For some, it may be getting in a good pre or post-holiday workout – with some sweat! Think of things that return you to your most open and creative self. Draw, write, create, journal, exercise, sing. I always suggest singing loudly, often and offkey. Doing what you love with the people you love and who love you back, unconditionally without judgment, will do your body and soul good.
And that list of holiday obligations? If you want to trim something, trim that! You don’t need the perfect turkey or a made-from-scratch pumpkin pie. Order a “warm and serve” meal from the grocery. You don’t need professional Christmas photos or a holiday letter; candid pics are best, and does anyone really even read that letter? Consider taking a step back from the comparison landscape of social media and remember that you are not in competition with anyone; be gentle with yourself if you opt for that “warm and serve” meal. Teach yourself to enjoy the holidays more – with less! Yes, you may have to train your brain to do things a bit differently, but it will be well worth it!
Lastly, be sensitive to anyone or any environment that brings you down, that’s too heavy or too caustic. You will be able to feel that bad energy; it can overwhelm you, suffocate you, and cost you your peace. Stress can also manifest itself in illness. If you find yourself feeling run down and in this type of negative headspace, have the courage to walk away. You deserve so much more!
Please take these thoughts with you as you navigate the upcoming stress of the holidays. Be kind to yourself as you traverse family gatherings and the loneliness that might follow. If you find yourself overwhelmed, please seek a healthcare provider. If you are a recovering addict, be sure to allocate time for a support group meeting or a phone call or two to your sponsor.
And please remember that the Gal’s Guide Library is the perfect place to get away. Come in for a visit. We will let you experience our small but mighty library in a way that works for you. We are usually not quiet, but we can be if you need us to be. We will be your tribe and support you through the holidays and through any other difficult times you may be facing.
Come see us. You will be glad you did. And, again, Happy Holidays!
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